Tag Archives: personal

One Shot

I am a nurse, but secretly, I have this slight fear of needles and blood and pain. How ironic I had to undergo this training before I can give the shots. Nurses are to show empathy, and in order to do just that, you have to place your feet in your patient’s shoes. In this case, your vein on the needles.



An Attitude of Gratitude

Why must I give thanks unto You, Lord? My parents have their issue. Pamy has her issue. I’m left to absorb all their issues. Why must I give thanks?

I will give thanks because we are all alive. We are physically health. I will give thanks because God is in control. I will give thanks because God is giving me a chance to share the Gospel to my family. I will give thanks because God is working in our midst. I will give thanks because God wants to use me achieve something for His glory.

I will give thanks despite the raging storm and flood. I will give thanks even when it seems impossible. I will give thanks because I know Jesus and I have Him and that is more than enough to give thanks.


How many years had she kept it to herself? How many nights did she cry herself to sleep? How many times had she pretended not to know the answer?

Believe me. I know how it feels to hold the world by yourself. To keep yourself smiling when all you wanted to do was breakdown. To hide the answers because knowing them will cripple not just your mind but your soul as well.

Jesus knows them and feels them, too.

Facing harsh realities

As a nurse, I have learned in psychiatry that who we are is a product of our past. Our experiences, both wonderful and traumatizing, had affected us- our personalities, our beliefs, the way we handle future stresses. Coping mechanisms are formed and nurtured through the various experiences we have throughout our lives. Some are primitive, meaning we develop them since childhood and are not as effective when used during adulthood; while some are mature, which are often the most constructive and helpful to some adults. A couple of nights ago, however, a very close friend just told me, with tears in her eyes, something I would never forget. Something not even my most mature defense mechanisms can cope with.

What can take away the greatest damage in one’s life? What can heal the most deep-seated wounds? What can repair a person’s battered and bruised heart? So devastating it was that she buried them into her mind’s oblivion. Most of her ugliest memories she has repressed. Or so I think. She can still recall bits and pieces of that awful memory as she told me her story. You would never want your very close friend to have such an awful event happen to her. Much less to your sister.

It was like nightmare turned to reality. One would never have thought it could happen. But it did and I can’t do anything about it, because it already happened. And what’s worse, it happened during a time I was too powerless to prevent it. Too many thoughts came running into my mind as she recounted the events that propelled her to be who she is today, to believe the ideas she now believes, to hold on to those beliefs tight. It was all a domino effect. If that single, horrifying incident didn’t happen, she would have been normal (we all have our abnormal tendencies, admit it or not). She would have preserved her innocence.

Some days I can’t stand the silence because I can hear her telling me those dreadful words. I can imagine her as a little child crying to me, to her Mom and Dad. When I close my eyes I see her ID picture when she was younger. How cute and naive her smile was. And then images of that event suddenly invade my mind. I can’t help but cry and ask God why He allowed such a thing to happen. Why, to all people, her? Would I have accepted such a thing if it happened to me? Would I have taken her pain and damage and scars instead? Despite our very close relationship, I guess not; I am only human and I don’t think I can afford to bear such pain. But she does! And because she shared it to me, I now bear the same pain as well. Yet, maybe not as painful because it did not happen to me personally. Nevertheless, it is a burden too heavy for our hearts to bear.

Many hours I’ve wasted crying and regretting and listening to the devil’s lies and accusations. It was my fault it happened. If only I had been by her side, she wouldn’t be like this. I’d like to see the person who did it to her suffer the same pain he inflicted. Satan had tossed a lot of negative thoughts and emotions to me and I readily accepted them. I fell prey to an endless spiral of misery and guilt and anger. I have forgotten who I am in Christ.

Yes, I may be powerless over her past, I can no longer do anything about it, but I can still do something for her present and future. Jesus has called me to be the salt and light of the world (Matt 5: 13 Ye are the salt of the earth, v. 14 Ye are the light of the world). I have to let my light shine (Matt 5:16 Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.)  and lead her to Jesus. I must not allow myself to be defeated. God has called me to be victorious, through Christ (Romans 8:37 Nay in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us) and I can overcome. Because I am now in Christ, I never have to worry being alone going through whatever this life throws at me for God has promised never to leave me nor forsake me (Hebrews 13: 5). Whatever I would need, my God will supply (Philippians 4: 19 But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus). There’s a lot that I can do for her. I only have to step up and allow myself to be used by God.

And as for her, my dearest…if only I could erase her painful memories and bind her wounds. But I know my abilities are limited. The best way for the both of us to heal is to yield to God. Only He is powerful enough to use the bitterest memories and turn them into songs of praise. I never want such tragedy to happen to her yet God has allowed the unimaginable. I know He is working at her heart and soul right now and I know He will rescue her.  He may take long, however my hope will remain. I believe God will deliver her from the nightmares of her past and bring her into His glorious presence someday.

Me, too

Is it because of the raging hormones? The cold weather? The influence of the world? Too often we deceive ourselves into justifying the wrong. Just because everybody does it doesn’t mean it is already right. What God has said is wrong remains wrong, despite everyone doing it and making it seem right. What is wrong in the eyes of God remains as it is even if humans make it right in their eyes.

The fact remains; we give ourselves away. Our bodies, most especially. Nothing is wrong with that, only when done at the proper place and time with the proper person, and most of all, God’s permission. Marriage is the safest place to be intimate- physically and emotionally. This is when both persons are secure. This is when God allows us to give ourselves away.

Yet the sanctity of marriage has been marred by the world. We do things only married couples should enjoy. We place ourselves at risk of getting hurt, being enslaved by sin, and being judged by God. Premarital sex is a big NO NO. And while Christians do not practice it, still we commit a crime. To a lesser extent. In the form of physical intimacy. Yes, physical intimacy is [robbing God] giving ourselves away. Without God’s permission. The hugs and the kisses and touches..they seem innocent at first. But it is still robbing God of His authority over our body. When we develop physical intimacy too naively, when we do it too frequently, we are giving authority to another person to do whatever they want with our body. Our body which, in the first place, does not belong to us. (1 Cor 6:19 What? Know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? v.20 For ye are bought with a price; therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s.)

I’m not saying this because I’m righteous. I’m not saying this because I’m pure. I’m saying this because this is my struggle, too. How can I avoid something I am fond of? How can I consider a sin that which I love doing?

Skinship. Hugs and kisses. Physical intimacy.

It is my weakness, too. I am a sinner, much like everyone else. And while I am writing that it is bad, that it is to be avoided, to be kept to a minimum, I find it difficult to actually practice what I preach. At the back or front of my mind, I am thinking of cuddling him and holding his hand while we talk and kissing him. To be honest, marriage excites me because of the privilege of sex.. But I’m not only after the sex part, I’m excited for living every day with him. And yeah, lots of physical intimacy.

This is my heart. It’s corrupted, I know. I won’t deny it. And I need God’s grace to help me fight this.

A new look at The Prodigal Son

I have always understood this parable in the way it was presented to me. Now I see that there is another story, which, if not seen clearly, might be for granted, which I think, will lead to some loss. For my part, it held a whole new meaning. It struck close to my heart.

I had this defense mechanism of undoing. Undoing sins. Undoing faults. Undoing hurts. I think when I undo, everything is okay. I may not have erased the cause, but at least I covered it.

In the parable of the Prodigal Son, Jesus revealed to me that undoing is pointless. It says in Luke 15: 19 And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants. Here the son wanted to EARN his way back to his father, even if just as a servant. He wanted to WORK. That for me, was the undoing part. When I commit some sin, yes I repent. However at the back of my mind, I would like to do some good to cover my sin. I would like to WORK FOR FORGIVENESS, which is wrong! God freely forgives if we ask with a repentant heart; a heart that trusts in NO ONE ELSE BUT GOD to forgive Him of his sins; a heart that knows no amount of human effort, no amount of undoing, can ever wash him clean. The forgiveness of sins is not through our own; it is through Jesus and OUR FAITH IN HIM that we stand forgiven and righteous.

What did the father say? What proved me that undoing was futile?

v. 22 But the father said to his servants, Bring forth the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet:
v. 23 And bring hither the fatted calf, and kill it; and let us eat, and be merry:
v. 24 For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found, And they began to be merry.

See? The father welcomed his wayward son who repented, with open arms! He even called for a celebration! He did not tell him he needed to do something to earn his place back as a son. Our Father God is like that. When we sin, we do not need to do any good works to earn His forgiveness, to earn back His love; because in the first place, He never stopped loving us even when we were happily living a sinful life. What He requires us to do is to ” confess our sins for He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” – 1 John 1:9. It only takes one step to go back into Jesus’ arms, and that one step is not undoing, it is REPENTANCE. God will not be hard on us, He will not push us away; in fact, He will run straight into us and embrace us once again. Luke 15: 20 And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and RAN, and fell on his neck, and kissed him.

God bless you, brethren!

Standing on my own feet

At times that I am unwell, you are the first person that I like to talk to. You are the ONLY person I like to talk to. It it is both a good and bad thing. A good thing in the sense that you have allowed me to verbalized my feelings; you listen nonjudgementally, and you tell me what I need to hear. A bad thing in the sense that I am becoming dependent on you, I think. There is a time to stand up and walk on my own feet. Now is the best time to learn. I have to be strong, too! I cannot live off of your energy all the time. It’s nice that we don’t have any means of communication as of the moment; this buys me some precious time to reflect. Thanks for letting me on my own. You don’t know how vital this is to me.

Cast thy burden upon The Lord, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.
Psalm 55:22

I’m okay. Don’t worth about me :)

P. S I miss you.

Self- Worth

Psalm 139: 14
I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are thy works and my soul knoweth right well.

You are beautiful. Smart. Talented. Worthy of love and respect. You are breath- taking. Equally as wonderful as what God’s hands have made. You are human. You have emotions, intellect, free will. And God has created you in His very image. You are beautiful. You are lovely. You are astonishing no matter what society says you are. Do not believe their belittling lies. Do not follow their faulty standards. Believe in God, for He is the One that made you. Follow God’s set criteria for it is He whom you serve, whom you please.

You are beautiful. Smart. Talented. Worthy of love and respect. You are God- breathed. Do not let anyone tell you or treat you otherwise.